Wise Mind & Mindfulness
Wise Mind
Previously we discussed Reasonable Mind and Emotion Mind. Wise Mind is that place were reasonable mind and emotion mind overlap. It is the integration of emotion mind and reasonable mind.
Linehan states on page 66 of the manual.... Wise mind is that part of each person that can know and experience truth. It is where the person knows something to be true or valid. It is almost always quiet, It has a certain peace. It is where the person knows something in a centered way.
--Discussion.... Using the above as a description of being in wise mind can anyone relate her own experience of wise mind.
I personally have felt wise mind when I have made a decision that I absolutely know is the right thing to do. I know I am in wise mind because I don't have any sense of dread or anxiety. I just "know" I am doing the right thing. There is absolutely no doubt in what I am doing.
To continue Linehan's explanation... Wise mind is like having a heart, everyone has one, whether they experience it or not.
Linehan uses the following metaphor which she repeats at times. Wise mind is like a deep well in the ground. The water at the bottom of the well, the entire underground ocean is wise mind. But on the way down there are often trap doors that impede progress. Sometimes the trap doors are so cleverly built that you believe there is no water at the bottom of the well. The trap door may look like the bottom of the well. Perhaps it is locked and you need a key. Perhaps it is nailed shut and you need a hammer, or it is glued shut and you need a chisel."
Discussion--
What has it taken for you to reach wise mind. For example, sometimes a person may reach wisdom only when suddenly confronted by another person. Or someone else may say something insightful that unlocks an inner door.
I have had the experience in my DBT skills group where someone has described an experience that they have had and how it related to a certain behavior. In listening to them I have had that "Aha" moment were I go "Yes, I have experienced that too. So that's why I do that"
Wise mind is sometimes experienced in the center of the body ( belly) or in the center of the head, or between the eyes. Sometimes a person can find it by following the breath in and out.
My wise mind is experienced in my belly. I "feel" it in my "gut" when I know that I am in wise mind.
Discussion --- Wise mind...calm that follows the storm. Experience immediately following a crises or enormous chaos. Suddenly getting to the heart of the matter, seeing or knowing something directly or clearly. It is grasping the whole picture when only parts were understood. It is "feeling " the right choice in a dilemma, when the feeling comes from deep within rather from a current emotional state.
What similar experiences or other examples have any of you had in experiencing wise mind?
Lesson 1 - Core Mindfulness Skill: Observing
Written by Moxie
Chapter 1 - so to speak - Core Skills. . . .
The following is based SOLELY on Marsha Linehan's work(s), p. 65,66, first column of 67.
Introduction: Linehan talks of four (4) behavioral characteristics common to people with BPD. The skills developed with DBT training will help decrease certain behaviors that keep us in constant crises and increase behaviors which help us live a balanced and fruitful life. One of the behavioral characteristics common to us is "Confusion of self".
Confusion of self is characterized by the following:
· not able to experience or identify a self.
· having a pervasive sense of emptiness.
· difficulties in maintaining one's own feelings, opinions or decisions when around others. (this can also be describe as knowing where I end and you begin)
· depersonalization of the self.
· dissociating.
"CORE MINDFULNESS TRAINING focuses on learning to go within to find oneself and on learning to observe oneself."
And it is called CORE because it is the foundation on which all the other skills are built upon. So we will be spending some time just on these first skills. If you are an old pro, then PLEASE share with us your experiences, don't leave or check out or not contribute. Basically, I don't want those with experience using the skills to get bored and leave the group because you will have valuable information to share with us. (Okay. enough of my soapbox lecture.)
Okay. So what's involved with the Core Mindfulness Skills?
The Core skills are separated into two groups, with each group containing three items. Here's an outline:
1. "WHAT" skills (what to do)
a. Observing
b. Describing
c. Participating
2. "HOW" skills (how to do it)
a. Non-judgmentally
b. One-Mindedly
c. Effectively
Don't worry. We're going to take things slow, starting with the first "WHAT" skill this week. The goal of the "WHAT" skills is to "develop a lifestyle of participating with awareness." (This is different from knee-jerk emotional responses to events)
IMPORTANT
As we discuss the "WHAT" skills, it's important to REMEMBER that you can only do ONE thing at a time - observe, describe, or participate, but not all three at once.
So we are going to take them one at a time, starting with Observing. (I will present the next skill, Describing, after we have had a chance to discuss and practice Observing.)
"Observing is sensing or experiencing without describing or labeling the experience. It is noticing or attending to something."
Suggestion. . read that sentence again before proceeding.
Observing is attending to events, emotions and other behavioral responses, EVEN IF THESE ARE DISTRESSING ONES!
What we learn by observing is simply to allow ourselves to experience with awareness, in the moment, whatever is happening, rather than leaving a situation or trying to terminate an emotion.
- - Remember last week when I was talking about how people with BPD try to AVOID or GET RID OF uncomfortable emotions? Well, Linehan's theory is that instead of avoiding or getting rid of these emotions, to "step back" and observe.
"Observing an event is separate or different from the event itself. (for example: observing walking and walking are two different responses)."
Okay! Are y'all ready for some homework? (Having a diary card will help you remember to do the homework!)
Please respond to the following questions:
1. Share with the group how a confusion of self has effected your life and relationships. Which characteristics of the confusion of self did you relate to?
2. Using the suggestions below, practice Observing:
a. Experience your fanny on the chair
b. Experience your hand on a cool or warm surface
c. Stroke just above your upper lip, then stop stroking and notice how long it takes before you can't sense your upper lip any longer
3. Using the suggestions below, practice Observing:
a. Watch in your mind the first two thoughts that come in
b. Imagine that your mind is a conveyor belt, and that thoughts and/or feelings are coming down the belt. Put each thought and/or feeling in a box near the belt.
c. Imagine your mind is the sky and thoughts, sensations and feelings are clouds. Gently notice each cloud as it drifts by.
4. Share with the group your experience in practicing Observing.
Which group did you find more difficult to do and why?
REMINDER: When you step back to observe events, step back WITHIN YOURSELF, not outside of yourself (that would be dissociating. And observing is not dissociating :-)
5. Finally, practice observing an action or thought least once every day. Use your diary card as a motivation and keep record. Next week we will all check in to see how we did. See page 111 of the workbook for ideas/ techniques to use in Observing.
Lesson 2 - Core Mindfulness Skill: Describing
Today we will be talking about the send of the Core Mindfulness "what" skills, which are:
a. Observing
b. Describing
c. Participating
As Moxie so effectively described it in her post on Observing, these skills deal with what Marsha Linehan considers one of the four behavioral characteristics common to people with BPD. This characteristic is "confusion of self," which is characterized by:
· not being able to experience or identify a self
· having a pervasive sense of emptiness
· having difficulty in maintaining one's own feelings, opinions or decisions when around others (when I am and you begin)
· dissociating
The Core Mindfulness training focuses on learning to observe oneself, on going within to find oneself, and on learning to separate oneself from one's surroundings.
We have been talking about the first skill of observing, being able to get that little bit of distance so that we can experience in the moment what is happening and our own feelings. Observing is sensing or experiencing without describing or labeling the experience.
A number of people have given examples of ways that they have learned to observe.
The second mindfulness "what" skill is that of DESCRIBING events and personal responses in words (see p. 64). Learning to describe means that we learn not to take emotions and thoughts literally. For example if we feel afraid of something or someone, it does not necessarily mean that that person or situation is dangerous or life-threatening. We might confuse the physical components of fear, which we would describe as heart pounding, breathing hard, feeling faint, and perceptions of the environment like "I am starting school" with a dysfunctional thought like "Therefore I am going to fail the exam."
The exercise of describing helps us to learn to give expression to only the things that are actually there.
· what do you see?
· how does your body feel?
· what emotion do you have?
· what did someone say?
· what event happened?
Don't make any guesses, interpretations or projections into the future.
ONLY TALK ABOUT WHAT IS.
THINGS TO TRY: (See exercise, p. 67)
Describe a thought.
Think about how your thought is a thought, not a fact. (Example: me: I recently saw someone who acted a lot like someone I was in a abusive relationship with years ago. I felt frightened, and thought maybe this person would hurt me. That is a thought. It is not a fact. This person is NOT the old person, and in fact he did nothing remotely like hurting me.)
Practice describing your thoughts. This is a thought, not a fact.
Example: "I am a jerk" is a thought. It is not fact.
"I am worthless" is a thought. It is not a fact.
"I cannot do this" has just come into your mind. Observe it, as we have been doing, but then move into describing.
HOMEWORK
1. Observe yourself. How does your body feel? What are your feelings? Put them into words.
2. Work on describing your experiences. Don't interpret. As you walk to school work or the store, notice what happens. Describe your experience, what you see, feel physically and emotionally,, your thoughts, but don't make judgments or interpretations. Jotting what you observe down in a little notebook is a good way of disciplining yourself to describe. You can also use a tape recorder. But try to do the describing right as the thing is felt or happening.
Share one of these experiences with the group if you feel comfortable.
3. Describe to yourself your thoughts and your feelings. Call a thought a thought and a feeling a feeling. How hard is it to tell a thought and a feeling apart? Do they seem to run together? Work on separating them. NAME YOUR FEELINGS, BUT DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN THE CONTEXT. Again a few notes in a notebook would be helpful.
4. Write a list of examples of thoughts that come into your mind. These are not facts. Give examples of the difference between thoughts and facts.
Ex: I feel like a jerk: This is a feeling.
I am a jerk: This is not a fact. It is a conclusion caused by your feeling. You would need a lot more evidence than your own feeling for it to be a fact.
Ex: I feel no one likes me: This is a feeling.
No one likes me: This is a fact which is probably untrue. You need more evidence than your own feeling. The thought does not create the fact.
Come up with a list of these thoughts that are not feelings this week, and share some with the group if you can. (Again I recommend a notebook. It's hard to remember things later.) Practice separating the thought and the presumed fact.
5. Share how you used your diary card this week to work on or keep track of your work on describing, and on telling the difference between thought and fact. Again, I invite people to check in tonight or tomorrow with how you have done with the diary cards. If it feels mechanical or boring to you, I suggest that you try a personalized card. We have a good example posted earlier, and if people want to see that, I can send it again. It involved changing the topics in the columns to one which are more relevant, and in this particular example, changing the 1-5 scale to 1-10. I also changed the scale to 1-10 on my own card, because 1-5 just didn't seem to be adequate. This is to help you, so feel free to adapt it whatever way you and your therapist think will be useful.
If you think of a quick and easy way for people to check in, like saying "Marty here on Diary Card," please let me know.
CORE MINDFULNESS SKILLL 3 - PARTICIPATION
(page 63-64, bottom of 67)
PARTICIPATION is one of the three Core Mindfulness "what" skills, the other two being OBSERVING and DESCRIBING, which we have already discussed. The three go together. As you observe mindfully and then describe mindfully, then you can participate mindfully - putting yourself fully into the activity. These three skills all have to be done separately - you can't do more than one at the same time, because of the need to be mindful, to put your whole attention on what you are doing.
We are talking here about the ability to do things without self-consciousness, that is to really throw yourself into an activity so that you are doing it fully, not thinking about yourself doing it, and without separating yourself from the events or interactions that you are engaged in.
Can you see why you can't observe or describe at the same time?
When you observe or describe, you are asked to separate yourself from the action or the interaction and to look at it apart from yourself. When you are participating, you are having a spontaneous interaction between yourself and the environment or another person. You are paying attention to the task or the interaction, but not observing it from the outside.
· Think about an occasion on which you have participated in this way. What did you do? It probably won't be possible at first to do this kind of participation for a long period of time. You may have moments, for example when playing with your dog or a baby, or dancing, or watching a movie, or being with a friend, when you are participating freely, without being self-conscious, and either being spontaneous or being mindful of your activity (either is okay in this kind of participating).
· Think of some activities where it is easy for you to participate fully, and then also think of some situations where that is hard.
For me, as the general level of misery in my life, especially anxiety and fear, began to decrease, it became easier for me to have that kind of participation. There are still times when I can't keep myself in that mode for the whole of an interaction, and I find myself observing or being aware of my discomfort.
I think that participation in this way is worth practicing, because we can get a lot of enjoyment and meaning when we can approach things this way.
· Which of the three "what" skills, observing, describing or participating, is the easiest for you to do?
· Which of these skills is the hardest? The one that is the most difficult for us is the one we should practice.
· Choose some situations to practice in. Be easy on yourself. Give yourself credit for the things that you are able to do. A few minutes may be your best effort now. Congratulate yourself, and keep working at it. You will be able to enjoy your success, as these get more comfortable for you.
Lesson 4 - Core Mindfulness Skill: Non-Judgmental Stance
(page 68)
· See but DON'T EVALUATE. Take a non-judgmental stance. Just the facts.
· Focus on the "what," not the "good" or "bad," the "terrible" or "wonderful," the "should" or " should not."
· UNGLUE YOUR OPINIONS from the facts, from the "who, what, when, and where."
· ACCEPT each moment, each event as a blanket spread out on the lawn accepts both the rain and the sun, each leaf that falls upon it.
· ACKNOWLEDGE the helpful, the wholesome, but don't judge it. Acknowledge the harmful, the unwholesome, but don't judge it.
· When you find yourself judging, DON'T JUDGE YOUR JUDGING.
Lesson 5 - Core Mindfulness Skill: One-Mindfully
(pt. 1 - page 69)
"HOW" CORE SKILL FIVE - ONE-MINDFULLY
We are working from the skills manual p. 64 ("Mindfulness How Skills") to the top of 65, also p. 69 ("One-mindfully), and the Mindfulness Handout 3, found in the back of the book, p. 113.
As we talk about One-mindfully, we begin to talk about Mindfulness, a very key concept in DBT. This will come up over and over, and you will find it in the reading and in our presentations as we move through the skills. It is not an easy skill or concept to learn, especially for us with borderline personality disorder, but we can do it as we practice over time.
Mindfulness has to do with the quality of awareness that we bring to what we are doing and experiencing, to being in the here and now. It has to do with learning to focus on being in the present, to focusing our attention on what we are doing and what is happening in the present. We have to learn to control our attention. Many of us are distracted by images, thoughts and feelings of the past, perhaps dissociating, worrying about the future, negative moods and anxieties about the present. It's hard to put these thing away and concentrate on the task at hand.
So the One-mindfulness that we will talk about today and other Mindfulness exercises that we will talk about later on are an effort to help us focus our attention on the here and now, to be able to absorb the DBT information and take part in the present. Please do not judge yourselves about this. Marsha Linehan is not judgmental. She understands this is hard for people, and has tried to find ways to help.
All of the Core Skills (Observe, Describe, Participate, Non-Judgmental, One-Mindfulness and the one we haven't done yet, Effectiveness), will be reviewed before each new module, so you will get a chance for some extra practice). These skills are listed on the back of your diary card, and you should now be keeping track of all except the last one. Marsha Linehan has drawn these skills from Eastern and Western meditation practices, and related them to psychological and behavioral techniques.
Exercise
To start out with One-Mindfulness, I would like to do an exercise with you that I did in my own first DBT class. For this exercise, you need an orange or a tangerine or a grapefruit. (If you don't like any of these, use some fruit with a peel.)
Put the orange on a dish in front of you. Look at the orange. Think about where it came from. The orange tree where it grew. The other oranges in the orange grove. The sun shining down. The warm rain. Think about this orange being picked from the tree.
Observe its color. Its shape. Are there marks on its skin? Is it exactly round? Is it all orange in color? What else do you see about it?
Now pull off the top of the orange. Smell the orange smell. Notice the mist that rises from the orange. Pick the orange up and smell it. Pull a strip of peel off the orange. Pull the white off the peel. Rub the peel. Feel its oiliness. Smell it. Does it have a bitter smell?
Now peel a section of the orange big enough to eat. Is it easy or hard to peel? Pick up a segment of orange. Look at it. Smell it. Feel it.
Does it have seeds? How many? What does it smell like? Is your mouth watering? Now bite into it. Taste the juice. Does it drip on your fingers or your chin? Feel the drips? Taste the sweetness of the juice. After you swallow the orange, how do you feel?
Now peel and eat the rest of the orange. Don't hurry. Enjoy and savor the orange. Eat slowly. Is there juice on the plate or the table? Let it linger, and smell the aroma of the juice. When you are done, wipe up the juice, and put your napkin on your plate. Is your napkin orange?
You have just one-mindfully eaten an orange. For those few minutes, your whole attention was on eating that orange, and on fully experiencing everything there was to experience about eating that orange.
Was it more enjoyable than gulping down an orange or some other piece of food without thinking about it, gone before you knew it? Does it feel good to feel totally present for a few minutes?
The idea of one mindfulness is to do one thing at a time. If you are going to eat, eat. Don't read or watch TV at the same time.
When you are working, work. Don't try to work and worry about something at home at the same time.
When you are talking with a friend, talk with your friend. Don't try to be on the computer at the same time.
The reasons for this are so that you can give your full attention to what you are doing and do your best job, but ALSO so that you will feel completely present and not fragmented when you are doing these important things.
HOMEWORK:
Come up with at least one, preferably two or three situations in your life this week where you are able to be one-mindful about something you are doing. It can be anything - taking a shower, walking the dog, running the copy machine at work, making a business call, visiting your therapist, anything at all, where you were able to focus on staying in the present. And if you were able to do it for only a short period of time, that is very important. Please share those times with us, We need the encouragement, and we need to congratulate you.
Lesson 5, Core Mindfulness Skill: ONE-MINDFULLY
(page 69)
One of the ways to approach the idea of mindfulness and one-mindfully is through learning to breathe mindfully, or conscious breathing. Our breathing goes on all the time, but mostly it's not conscious. We are not thinking about it.
Try to become mindful or conscious of your breathing. Sit comfortably on a chair, with your feet on the floor and your hands on your lap or resting on the chair, or sit comfortably on the floor. Close your eyes if you are comfortable with it, otherwise fix them on something a few feet away from you. Relax. Begin to take some long, slow deep breaths, inhaling and exhaling through your nose (inhaling and exhaling through your nose helps to slow your breaths down).
Notice your breath going in out. Notice it moving up and down your chest. Put one hand on your belly, and breathe deeply enough so that your belly rises when you breathe in and falls when you breathe out. (This is because your diaphragm, the muscle that controls the movement of your lungs, is pulling air all the way in and pushing it all the way out). Breathe several times in this way, feeling your belly rising and falling, the air passing in and out through your body. This is mindful or conscious breathing. Do it any time to bring yourself to a more mindful and a more relaxed place.
CONSCIOUS BREATHING
This is a meditation by the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh from his little book, "Peace is Every Step." Marsha Linehan greatly respects Thich Nhat Hanh's work and quotes him in the DBT manual.
"There are a number of breathing techniques you can use to make life more enjoyable. The first exercise is very simple. As you breathe in, say to yourself, "Breathing in, I know that I am breathing in." And as you breathe out, say "Breathing out, I know that I am breathing out." Just that. You recognize your in-breath as an in-breath and your out-breath as an out-breath. You don't even need to recite the whole sentence; you can use just two words, In and Out. This technique can help you keep your mind on your breath. As you practice, your breath will become peaceful and gentle and your mind and body will also become peaceful and gentle. This is not a difficult exercise. In just a few minutes you can realize the fruit of meditation.
Breathing in and out is very important and it is enjoyable, as breathing is the link between our body and our mind. Sometimes our minding is thinking of one thing and our body is doing another, and mind and body are not unified. By concentrating on our breathing, In and Out, we bring body and mind back together, and become whole again. Conscious breathing is an important bridge.
Just breathing and smiling can make us very happy, because when we breathe consciously we recover ourselves completely and encounter life in the present moment."
Assignment: At least once a day, try conscious breathing for a few minutes. As you become more comfortable, increase your time by another minute, or try it a second time. Notice how you feel during and after.
Reading:
If you are interested in reading more about mindfulness, including mindful or conscious breathing, I suggest the following books. Marsha Linehan uses "The Miracle of Mindfulness" and "Full Catastrophe Living" as references in the DBT manual. I was required to read both in my first year skills group.
Kabat-Zinn, Jon. "Full Catastrophe Living." A Practical guide to mindfulness meditation and healing, using the wisdom of your body and mind to face pain, stress and illness; based on his work at the Stress and Pain Clinic at the U. of Massachusetts Medical Center.
Kabat-Zinn, Jon. "Wherever You Go, There You Are." The practice of mindfulness mediation in everyday life. Stories, anecdotes, poems.
Thich Nhat Hanh, "The Miracle of Mindfulness." Basic book on mindfulness meditation.
Thich Nhat Hanh, "Peace is Every Step." Mindfulness in everyday life. A wonderful collection of personal anecdotes, stories, and experiences from his own life that show the reader how to attain awareness and peace.
Lesson 5 - ONE-MINDFULLY, Part 3
(page 69)
1. We have talked about DOING ONE THING AT A TIME. That is often easier said than done, when many of us have busy days, busy job, families, and lots of demands on our time, not to mention the feelings from the past, flashbacks, worries from the present and fears about the future. I think the thing to do is to start in very small ways. If we have a conversation with someone and we find ourselves drifting to something that happened that morning, then pull our attention back to what's happening now, and later make ourselves a place to think about that worry from this morning.
If we are in therapy and find ourselves thinking about how we are going to deal with the kids when we get home, that really sabotages our therapy. We could either talk about that worry in therapy, or put it away to deal with after therapy, maybe stop in a coffee shop somewhere on the way home and take some time to think.
I am an obsessive thinker, and I know how hard it can be to keep my attention in the present, but try your best. You will get so much more out of the present moment if you can give it your full attention, and so will the other people you're involved with.
2. Try LETTING GO OF DISTRACTIONS that come to you. Those thoughts, worries, strong feelings, fear. Try to just let go again. Take some long, slow, deep breaths (try the exercise at the top of this page), and let those thoughts and feelings out with the breaths. If they come back, do it again. Each time they come back, do it again. At some point, you will get control.
3. CONCENTRATE YOUR MIND. If you find yourself doing two things at once, just stop, and choose one of those things to do at a time. As you practice, it will get easier.
4. THOUGHT STOPPING. This is a technique that we will hear of later on. I have been using it lately with great success. I simply firmly tell the intrusive or bothersome thoughts to go away, many times, if necessary. It feels very good when I am only dealing with one activity or set of thoughts at a time.
HOMEWORK:
1. Watch for situations in your life when you are doing more than one thing at the same time.
2. Practice these techniques for concentrating on one thing at a time. Aim for just a few minutes at first.
3. Notice those times when you are one mindfully paying attention to just one thing. How does that feel?
4. Try one of these: Watch a flower.
Watch the rain dripping down the window.
Watch trees blowing in a storm.
Watch a new litter of kittens or puppies.
Watch a new baby sleeping.
Listen to someone drumming.
Listen to someone play the flute.
Watch a campfire.
Listen to ocean waves.
Listen to a loud clock.
Breathe mindfully.
Watch or listen one-mindfully. Don't think, just watch or listen. Afterwards think about what it was like to watch or listen one-mindfully.
5. If you want, tell us how any of the previous exercises went for you.
Lesson 6 - Core Mindfulness Skill: Effectively
(page 69)
· FOCUS ON WHAT WORKS. Do what needs to be done in each situation. Stay away from "fair" and "unfair", "right" and "wrong" , "should" and "should not"
· PLAY BY THE RULES: Don't "cut off your nose to spite your face"
· Act as SKILLFULLY as you can, meeting the needs of the situation you are in. Not the situation you wish you were in; not the one that is just; not the one that is more comfortable; not the one that....
· Keep an eye on YOUR OBJECTIVES in the situation and do what is necessary to
· achieve them.
· LET GO of vengeance, useless anger, and righteousness that hurts you and doesn't work.
Ok...the above is the handout from the workbook....Linehan states...the goal here is to focus on being effective- to focus on doing what works, rather than what is "right" versus "wrong" or "fair" versus "unfair" Generally, it is the opposite of "cutting off your nose to spite your face".
Doing what works (or what is effective) requires knowing what one's goal or objective is. For instance, a person may want to get a raise at work but she may also think her supervisor should know without being told that she deserves one, so she refuses to ask for it. In this case, the person is putting being right over achieving her goal.
Being effective requires knowing the actual situation and reacting to it, not to what one thinks, "should" be the situation. For example, when driving on the freeway, people who drive more slowly are instructed by signs to drive in the right lane. People who tailgate slower drivers in the left lane (instead of just passing on the right) are acting as if all are prepared to follow the directions. All are not!
Effectiveness is "playing by the rules". Playing by the rules is most important in situations where people are in a low-power position and what they want is important. A good example here is being an involuntary patient in a state hospital. Staff members make the rules about when a patient gets privileges. Right or wrong, they have the power not the patients.
Does anyone have any examples of how they may have "cut off their nose to spite their face" ?
I can't think of anything specific at the moment but I can tell you I have a long history of "its more important to be RIGHT than to get what I want." I guess it has come up in therapy a few times too. There were a couple of incidences where it was more important to prove that my therapist was wrong (therefore I was right) then to make gains in my therapy. In the long run this wasn't very effective in my getting better.
Effectiveness often means being "political" or savvy about people. It is taking where they are (rather than where they "should" be) and going from there. Different people are like different cultures. What works in one culture may not work in another. Focusing on what's "right" instead of what works is like trying to impose one's own culture on another country when visiting.
Does anyone have an example of having imposed their own culture or views on others? When have others imposed in this way on you?
Effectiveness sometimes requires sacrificing principles to achieve a goal. In extreme situations (e.g. a concentration camp, where not playing by the rules would mean death), most people are willing to play by the rules even if they are not fair. In real life, this is sometimes hard. It can be especially hard just when it is needed most, with people in authority positions.
Of the three how skills ( taking a non judgmental stance , focusing on one thing in the moment, being effective) which one is your strength and which one is your weakness? The one you have the most difficulty with is the one to practice the most.
My strength is being mindful and doing one thing in the moment. My weakness is being non-judgmental... I am working hard at this one but it still causes me a lot of trouble.
Ok gang...lets have some lively discussion on what it's like to be effective...or how difficult it is. Personally, I am just now getting the hang of it. But it sure is a good feeling when you realize that you have just behaved in an effective manner and it has helped you get your needs met.