Emotion Regulation
Beginning Emotion Regulation
Emotion Regulation is one of the four modules of DBT. It is the module in which we learn to understand how our emotions work, and the skills we need to manage our emotions instead of being managed by them, to reduce how vulnerable we are to negative emotions, and to build positive emotional experiences.
Perhaps more than in the other three modules, the skills in Emotion
Regulation build on each other. As we learn each little piece, and practice it, we are putting another building block in the structure of our own Emotion Regulation, learning little by little how to handle negative emotions and how to build positive ones.
As you learn each new skill or awareness in your life, congratulate yourself. You are doing probably the hardest work you will ever do, and the outcome of all the struggle and practice will be worth it. Things will get very much easier, and your emotional life will be more comfortable.
The first thing to realize is that no one is telling us that our negative emotions are bad, or not important, or to get rid of them. Everyone has negative emotions. It is part of life. Those of us who have been through painful or traumatizing experiences may have very intense negative emotions. We want to validate these emotions, have them recognized and believed, accept them as real and meaningful.
What the module on Emotion Regulation intends to teach us is how to understand our emotions and how they get that way, how we are or become more vulnerable to those emotions and what we can do about it, and some techniques for building positive emotions into our lives.
In these three following review lessons we will talk briefly about these three things. There are many other aspects of Emotion Regulation, and we hope that you will check through the lessons provided.
EMOTION REGULATION LESSON 1, part a
(pages 86-87; ER Handouts 1 + 2, pages 135 +136)
I am going to talk a little about what we mean by Emotion Regulation and the goals of Emotion Regulation training in DBT, and then we will begin to talk about a model for understanding our emotions. (This discussion will be continued in Lesson 1b.)
As people with symptoms of borderline personality disorder, our emotions are frequently very intense and labile, which means they change often. Our emotions often drive our behavior. A lot of our behavior focuses around finding ways to get our emotions validated or to get rid of the pain in some way.
Because of this, learning to regulate emotions is a central part of DBT. This does not mean that the emotions are invalid, and it does not mean that we are trying to get rid of them. They are valid and important. But because our emotions cause us so much pain and often keep us feeling out of control, we are going to first learn some things about our emotions and where they come from, and then we will learn some techniques about managing our emotions, reducing our vulnerability to negative emotions, learning to experience some positive emotions, and learning to reduce our emotional suffering.
The Handout 1 on page 135 shows the goals of Emotion Regulation training. The first part, to UNDERSTAND THE EMOTIONS YOU EXPERIENCE we will begin to talk about today.
TWO KINDS OF EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE
1. Reactions to events in one's environment
(being criticized, having a loved one call on the phone, losing a game, etc.)
2. Inner reactions, primarily reactions to one's own thoughts
(guilt about feeling angry, shame about not doing well at something, fear about something anticipated or thought about)
How have emotions acted in your lives? Helpful? Hurtful? Give some examples.
PRIMARY AND SECONDARY EMOTIONS
There are primary and secondary emotions. The secondary emotion is the one that follows the primary or first emotion, for example, feeling shame because you got angry. Anger is the primary emotion, and shame is the secondary emotion. A person can get angry for being angry, or depressed for being depressed, or angry for feeling fear. In these three cases, anger, depression and anger are the secondary emotions.
It's really important to be able to tell which emotions are the primary emotions and which are the secondary emotions.
Neither the primary nor the secondary emotions are good or bad, but to get back to the original problem and work on solving it, it is necessary usually to deal with the primary emotions. Try to think of a situation where you experienced a primary and then a secondary emotion.
Example: A close relative died. I first feel grief. That is my primary emotion. Then I feel ashamed because I feel so sad. Shame is the secondary emotion.
This can be hard, because the switch often happens very fast. If you feel an emotion, look at your emotion and see if there is a primary emotion behind it. We will come back to this later.
MYTHS ABOUT EMOTIONS
There are a lot of myths about emotions. This is true not just for those of us with borderline symptoms, but in our whole society. Take a look at ER Handout 2 on page 136. This page lists ten myths about emotions. For example, look at number 6: "Emotions are really stupid." Do you think this is true? Of course not. It may feel that way sometimes, but emotions are there for a reason. What challenging statement could you write for "Emotions are really stupid."
Maybe "Emotions help us to deal with our lives." or "Emotions are there for a reason." "or "Everyone has emotions."
So I invite you to work through this page, writing a challenge, a more realistic view or an opposite answer or whatever you feel is a true answer to each question. For numbers 11-16, your challenge is to write both a myth and a challenge. Think of something that people say about emotions or that you've heard someone say when somebody is emotional.
Examples: "Emotions are for babies."
"If I had the right feelings, I wouldn't have so much trouble."
"If I had no feelings, I wouldn't have so much trouble."
"Only good feelings are okay."
Now try some of your own, and please share them with the list if you want.
A THEORY OF EMOTIONS
1. There are only a few basic emotions: anger , sorrow, joy, surprise, fear, disgust, guilt/shame, interest. All of the others are learned, and are usually some combination of the basic emotions.
2. Emotions come and go, like waves.
3. Emotions are also self-perpetuating. Once an emotions starts, it keeps restarting itself..
DESCRIBING EMOTIONS
(see ER Handout 3, page 137)
20. Prompting event
We said that emotions can be either reactions to events in the environment or to things inside a person. These events and things are called PROMPTING EVENTS. They prompt, or call forth the emotion. A person's thoughts, behaviors and physical reactions prompt emotions. (Recently someone put his hand on the back of my neck, and I felt fear and anger.) You might have an automatic feeling, without thinking about it, like "I feel love when I see my cat."
Think of some examples of your own where there is an inside prompting for a feeling you have.
21. Interpretation of an event
Most events outside ourselves don't prompt emotions. It is the interpretation of the event that prompts the emotion.
|
Event |
Interpretation |
Emotion |
|
Seeing my boyfriend with my best friend |
They must have been talking about me |
Anger |
|
My car has a flat tire |
Some neighborhood kid did this |
Anger |
|
It starts to thunder and lightning |
I have heard of people being killed by lightning |
Fear |
|
I see Mary at the concert with Betty after she promised to go with me |
Mary doesn't care about me |
Sadness |
|
I see Mary at the concert with Betty after she promised to go with me |
Mary is trying to get back at me |
Anger |
Can you see that the emotion comes after the interpretation is made, after you have the thought about what the reason something is happening?
Now think of some examples of your own, and list the event, your interpretation of the events (what you think about it) and your emotion.
22. Emotions involve body changes, such as tensing and relaxing muscles , changes in heart rate, breathing rate, skin temperature, rises and falls in blood pressure, etc. The most important of these changes for you to be aware of are the facial changes - clenched jaw, tightened cheek and forehead muscles, tightening the muscles around the eyes so that they open wider or shut more, grinding or clenching teeth, loosening and tightening around the mouth.
Researchers now believe that changes in the face muscles play an important part in causing emotions. I noticed years ago, for example, that stretching out my cheek muscles like in a lion's roar made me cry - still does.
Be aware of the changes in your facial muscles when you are experiencing emotions.
Discussion about describing emotions will continue in Lesson 1b.
Emotion Regulation Lesson 1b
This is the second part of the first Emotion Regulation lesson. We have been talking about observing and describing emotions.
To review, in the previous lesson, we talked about three things.
1) THE PROMPTING EVENT FOR THE EMOTION.
What triggers it or gets it going? Prompting events can be events happening in the present (an interaction with someone, losing something, physical illness, financial worries). A prompting event might also be a memory, a thought, or even another feeling (we feel ashamed, and then feel angry about feeling ashamed, for example). In managing our emotions, it is important to be able to recognize prompting events.
2) THE INTERPRETATION OF AN EVENT OR EXPERIENCE.
The emotion may come not from the experience, but from how we interpret it. An example is feeling frightened when we see a dog. We think the dog will bite us because we were bitten by a dog in the past.
3) BODY CHANGES.
Learn to be aware of the changes caused in our bodies by our emotions. Examples are changes in facial expressions, tensing and relaxing of muscles, breathing faster, change in heart rate, feeling hot or cold.
These are all things that are important in being able to observe and describe our emotions. Being able to observe and describe our emotions and their effects is very important in helping us learn to deal with them effectively.
(see Linehan pp. 88-89)
4) BODY RESPONSE TO EMOTIONS.
When we experience emotions, there are changes in our bodies. Sometimes people have trouble sensing our body changes. To regulate our emotions we have to be pretty good at sensing what is going on in our bodies. If we have practiced shutting off our body sensations, this can be difficult but can be learned with practice.
5) ACTION URGES
An important thing that emotions do is to prompt behaviors. An action urge may be to fight or attack verbally in anger, or to flee or hide in fear, etc..
What are some action urges that you might have for these emotions?
· Anger
· Fear
· Sadness
· Shame
· Disgust
· Surprise
6) EXPRESSION AND COMMUNICATION
One of the most important functions of emotions is to COMMUNICATE. To communicate something, an emotion has to be expressed. Sometimes, if we have not learned to express our emotions, we may think we are communicating but the other person isn't getting it. This can cause misunderstanding.
Example: I am told that for most of my life I did not show any expression on my face, and it still is not the easiest thing for me. I would feel angry, hurt and rejected because people did not respond to my feelings, which I thought were very obvious. Now I understand that people could not tell what I was feeling and so they did not respond. I find that it works best for me to tell people what I am feeling, instead of relying just on my facial expression.
Emotions are expressed by facial expressions, words and actions. Expressing emotions through behaviors can also cause problems, because different people interpret behaviors in different ways.
Example: When I am so angry that I am afraid I am going to say something I will regret, I leave the room. People have interpreted this as meaning that I am chickening out or I don't care or I am saying "in your face." I have learned to say that I am leaving to cool down and I will be back, so people will understand what I am doing.
AFTEREFFECTS
Emotions have aftereffects on our thoughts, our physical function and our behavior. Sometimes these effects can last quite a while. One aftereffect is that an emotion can keep triggering the same emotion over and over.
EMOTION REGULATION HOMEWORK SHEET, p. 162
In order to practice what we have been discussing, it is suggested that you work on Homework Sheet 1. You are asked to select a current or recent emotional reaction and fill out as much of the sheet as you can. I suggest that you try doing this several times (make some photocopies of the page) over the next couple of weeks. The more you practice, the better you will get at describing and observing your emotions. Don't feel discouraged if it doesn't come easily at first. Looking at emotions this way is changing patterns that a lot of us have been using most of our lives. There are no right answers. The idea is for you to get practice in observing and describing your emotions.
If you have any questions, please write, to the list or to me.
If any of you are not able to get the book, Skills Training for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan (can be ordered by your local bookstore), contact me, and I will send you a copy of Chapter 9, Emotion Regulation, with the handouts and homework sheets.
*** I invite people to share any experiences or comments you have about observing your emotions or other comments on this material. Hearing each others' experiences is very helpful.
Dear Folks,
This is the last discussion question before we move on to another area of Emotion Regulation. If you would like to post ideas or responses to the list, they will be welcome.
See page 88.
Emotions involve what we call action urges. An important function of emotions is to prompt behaviors. For example if we feel angry, we may be prompted to fight. Or if we feel fear, we may be prompted to run or flee.
The action itself, the fighting, or running, or hugging is not part of the emotion, but the urge to do the action, the feeling that prompts you to do the action, is considered part of the feeling.
If we feel angry at someone, we may feel an urge to start yelling at them. That urge is part of the angry feeling. But the fighting is not part of the feeling.
Choose some of the emotions below, and discuss some action urges that go with them for you. Your interpretations of the situation, your beliefs about yourself or the world, and assumptions you make about yourself, the situation, or another person can also be a part of the emotion.
· Fear
· Anger
· Disappointment
· Shame
· Sadness or Grief
· Love
· Frustration
· Happiness
In this section of Emotion Regulation we are trying to learn more about our emotions, how they work, what influences them and how they influence our actions.
POSITIVE EXPERIENCES
What are you doing to put some more positive experiences in your life? Have you checked out the Adult Pleasant Events Schedule, p. 157-159? Choose a few things on this list and give them a try. Maybe schedule something nice for what is usually a down time of day for you. Try something you've never done before. Ask someone to do one of these pleasant events or another you can think of with you. Anytime you are feeling really down or blah, check out the list and see what might appeal to you.
One of the most important ways to work on negative feelings is to provide yourself with some positive experiences to take the place of the negative ones. It's much easier to let go of negative feelings when you have something positive to put in their place.
Building positive experiences does not mean we are ignoring our pain and fear and anger. Those are important. It does mean that we are making some room for some pleasure to come into our lives so that we have some balance and some ways of relieving our suffering.
BEING MINDFUL OF POSITIVE EXPERIENCES
We have talked in the past about mindfulness, about being aware of our experiences in the here and now, about being fully present. The technique of mindfulness takes a lot of practice. If we have found much of our daily life painful, we may not want to focus on the present. But the present is what we have now. If we teach ourselves to be mindful of the pleasurable and positive experiences we have in the present, we can more fully appreciate and enjoy those experiences.
Set aside a time each day, a few minutes, half an hour, or perhaps a few minutes several times a day. Notice what is enjoyable around you. Is it a beautiful day? Can you see flowers, or green grass? If it is raining, can you see patterns that the rain makes on your window? Can you smell something good? Maybe your neighbor's cooking? Or your soap or bubble bath?
If you enjoy taking a bubble bath, really luxuriate in the smell and the feeling of the bubbles, the warmth and the relaxation you feel. You might be watching your children play. Enjoy the fun or funny moments. Read a favorite book, and really savor the words. Watch a favorite TV show, and really get involved and enjoy what you see.
There are many opportunities to enjoy present moments. The purpose of this exercise is to make you more aware of the pleasant moments that occur in your life, and not to let them slip by unnoticed.
If you like, post to the list about some pleasant moments or times you found this week.
Emotion Regulation Lesson 2
(p. 89)
We are working on describing our emotions. We have Emotion Regulation handout 4, Ways to Describe Emotions, page 139, to help us in doing this. The handout works with the emotions love, joy, anger, sadness, fear and shame. It gives some words to describe each emotion, like "affection, liking, kindness, caring" to describe love.
Then it describes prompting events for feeling the different emotions, the actions or words that prompt or set off the emotion. It talks about interpretations that prompt the emotions - for example, believing that a person will always be there for you may prompt your feeling of love. A prompting event is something that happens. An interpretation is the way you think about that event, what you think it means, what ideas or thoughts you have about it.
Then we have things that happen when we experience the emotion. We may feel close, full of excitement, relaxed and calm when we feel love.
Expressing and acting on the emotion - what do we do when we feel love? Touching, sharing time with someone, hugging And finally we look at the aftereffects of the feeling. What are the lasting effects or aftereffects of feeling love? Maybe we feel openness and trust, or maybe we remember other positive events.
These pages, Ways to Describe Emotions, are for you to use for help in describing your emotions. You don't need to read them all through unless you want to. You can refer to them when you need some help in describing your emotions. Probably you will find that not everything in these lists fits you. Emotions are very individual, and you can choose things that fit, and add other things.
Think about your emotions. You can choose the ones described in this book, or any others that you have. Think about what your emotions are like.
· love
· joy
· anger
· sadness
· fear
· shame
Describe the qualities of your own emotions. There are no right answers here. We are trying to get you to pay more close attention to your own emotions.
Some things interfere with observing and describing emotions. One of these things is secondary emotions, which we have talked about before. Secondary emotions are those that come after the original emotions For example, you might feel angry, and then you might feel shame for feeling angry. Or you might feel sad, and then feel angry about the sadness. This makes it harder to figure out what was your original emotion and to work on dealing with that. Ask yourself, "Was that my first feeling? If not, what was it?"
People also often feel ambivalence, more than one emotion, at the same time, like both anger and sadness when someone dies or goes away.
In the last lesson, we talked about Emotion Regulation Worksheet 1, "Observing and Describing Emotions," p. 162. Hopefully some of you have been able to fill out one of these worksheets, that asks you to observe and describe an emotion that you feel.
I would like to invite you, as practice for this difficult task of observing and describing our emotions, to fill out a number of these sheets. Photocopy the sheet from your manual, and any time you experience an emotion and it is convenient, fill one of these out. It will strengthen your ability to recognize and describe your emotions.
** Emotion Regulation Handout 4
** Describing the characteristics of your own emotions
** Emotion Regulation Worksheet 1
If you have questions about any of this, please write.
Also, if there is anyone willing to scan the Worksheet onto a web page, for people who don't have one, it would be much appreciated.
Emotion Regulation Questions
I would like to thank everyone who has participated in the lively discussion over the last couple of weeks about Lesson 4, Reducing Vulnerability to Emotion Mind, and also on the subjects of job stress, relationships, validation and primary and secondary emotions. It was especially helpful that people talked about skills they had used or suggested skills that others might try. We all learn from this.
Before we go on to Emotion Regulation Lesson 5, I wanted to bring up a couple of issues raised by E.R. 4, and see if anyone has any comments about them.
The first is about "Balance Eating." A couple of people talked about eating to deal with emotional overload, and on the other hand depriving oneself of food as a punishment. I am sure many of you have struggled with this. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with these problems?
And the second concerns sleep. A number of people mentioned problems with sleeping. What ideas do you have about getting a good night's sleep?
One thing that has helped me is to use relaxation tapes, the kind where you relax one part of your body at a time, from head to toes, and then visualize a quiet, safe space where you want to be. I originally used a commercial tape bought from Potentials Unlimited . Now I have a couple of tapes that my therapist has made for me, and it is especially soothing to hear her voice.
Other ideas?
Emotion Regulation, Lesson 6a
(page 93)
We have been talking about how to increase positive emotions. Now we are going to talk about some techniques for letting go of emotional suffering.
The best way to get rid of painful and negative emotions is to let them go. Learning to let go of the emotions is extremely difficult.
Letting go of emotional suffering associated with negative emotions is not the same thing as letting go of the emotions themselves. Letting go of the suffering is a process that we can learn.
We do not mean pushing away or sitting on the emotions. The emotions are valid, and represent experiences and interactions that were or are painful. What we are talking about is dealing with these emotions in a new way that will relieve some of the suffering that goes with them.
In learning to let go of our emotional suffering, we use the mindfulness skills that we have practiced before, the observe and describe skills. We learn to get some distance from our emotions, to stand back and observe them. If we can get distance, we can see them more clearly.
Try getting some distance from a painful emotion that you have. Put it over there and look at it, maybe as if it were on a screen or a stage. Describe in words what the experience of that emotion is like. This also helps to give you distance and perspective.
By looking at your emotions, you are exposing yourself to them, looking and describing, not necessarily acting on them, and not being swallowed by or overwhelmed by them.
As you practice observing your emotions, fill out Emotion Regulation Homework Sheet 1, page 162. Make several copies of this sheet, and use them as you practice this skill. ***
In DBT, we talk about the dialectic (as in Dialectical...). This means looking at two different ideas, principles, interpretations, points of view, and balancing and measuring them against each other. Then you may choose one or the other, or decide to live with both or some mixture of both.
Some examples of dialectics are:
changing.......................not changing
good...........................bad
wise mind......................emotion mind
talking........................being silent
acceptance.....................approval
Can you think of other examples?
When we learn to accept our negative emotions, we begin to let go of the hold they have on us and the suffering that they cause us. Accepting our emotions, letting ourselves realize that we have these emotions and that they are real and valid, is NOT approving of our suffering, or approving of the events that preceded these emotions. We DON'T have to approve of our negative emotions as we learn to accept them.
acceptance.....................approval
You can choose acceptance without choosing approval.
This was probably the hardest thing for me to learn in DBT. I felt that accepting that I had these terrible, painful feelings meant that it was okay that I felt so much pain. That made me angry and despairing. But when I understood that I did NOT have to approve, that I only had to let the feelings in and acknowledge that they were there, accepting them in that way, it was not such an impossible process.
How do you think accepting your emotions might affect your suffering?
Please share your thoughts with the list if you are willing.
In the next part of this lesson, we will talk about some steps for letting go of emotional suffering.
Emotion Regulation, Lesson 6b
LETTING GO OF PAINFUL EMOTIONS
(p. 93-94)
In the last lesson, we talked about accepting painful emotions, by standing back from them and just being present with them. We talked about how accepting the emotions can reduce our suffering, because we are no longer running from them or pushing them away. At times this acceptance can reduce our pain. Notice the difference from between pain and suffering. Suffering is the pain plus frantic efforts to push the pain away, and feelings about the injustice of our suffering and the pain of having our pain.
Following are Marsha Linehan's steps for letting go of our suffering.
1. Observe your emotion. (We talked about this last time.) Acknowledge that the emotion exists. Stand back from it and get yourself unstuck from it. Several people on the list gave us examples of doing this.
2. Try to experience your emotion as a wave, coming and going. You may it helpful to concentrate on some part of the emotion, like how your body is feeling, or some image about it.
I try to imagine a big ocean wave flowing through me, but not so big that it knocks me over.
Don't try to push the emotion away. This makes it bigger, and increases our suffering. Don't reject the emotion.
Don't judge your emotion. It is not good or bad. It is just there. There are no bad emotions, just emotions. Anger, fear, sadness are all painful emotions, but they are not bad. Everyone has them, and are just as valid as the happy emotions.
At the same time, do not hang onto your emotion. Don't rehearse it over and over to yourself. Don't escalate it or make it bigger. Sometimes when we feel a very painful emotion, like anger or a deep grief, we hold onto it, or we intensify it, making it stronger or bigger, in our efforts to deal with it or to give it our full attention. Try not to do this. Just let it be however it is. This can result in a lessening of the pain.
3. You are not your emotion. Your emotion is part of you, but it is not all of you. You are more than your emotion.
Do not necessarily act on the emotion. Having the emotion does not mean you have to act. You may just need to sit with the emotion. Often acting can intensify and prolong the emotion.
4. Practice LOVING your emotions. This can be a difficult concept. Why would we want to love painful emotions?
Please read the Story Point at the bottom, of the first column on page 94. Love your dandelions! This story illustrates how we can love what we cannot change, what is there. We can learn to love our emotions just the way we can learn to love (accept) anything else about ourselves or our experience that we cannot change - our age, our height, freckles, the birds that sing early in the morning and wake us up, the weather, the size of our feet, allergies, etc.
Remember that we said in the last lesson that acceptance (love) and approval are two different things. You don't have to like your freckles, but they are there and you can't change that, so if you just accept or love them, you will feel a lot better than if you keep fighting the idea that they are there.
I will give a couple of examples from my own experience. The first one has most to do with not hanging on or intensifying my emotion, and with not acting on my emotion. This situation happened several weeks ago. A close friend and I communicate only by e-mail and telephone - don't have the chance to meet in person. We had a difficult phone conversation, in which I felt I was being attacked and felt hurt and angry. And then I got a long letter from her in which she expressed her hurt and anger at me for some things I had not realized were bothering her. She asked what we should do, should we talk on the phone and hash it all out. Or not talk for awhile. Or just move ahead and leave it behind.
I am a person who usually likes to talk things out, and I wanted her to know my feelings. But I decided to think on it for a few days, because I was afraid that because we couldn't meet face to face, there would be more misunderstanding. I decided that saving the relationship was more important than airing my feelings (not hanging onto my feelings). I suggested to her that we both go on from where we were, instead of talking about the anger and hurt feelings, and who did what when, and she agreed. And that's what we did. We just had a conversation like all our other conversations. (not acting on feelings) I think that it saved our relationship, and the bonus is that the anger and hurt went away. I think this may be the first time that I have just let go, because the relationship mattered more to me than hanging on to my feelings.
The other example is about more ongoing anger. I often feel angry at my youngest sister. She does and says hurtful things, not all the time, but just enough so that I feel a little on my guard. Last year there was an angry exchange about Thanksgiving that left me in tears. I thought about acting on my anger, saying something angry back. I tend to hold on to anger, especially regarding someone I love. At that time, I decided that I did not want to lose or damage that relationship, and that I would only write to her and call her when I have positive things to say, because the other things left me feeling so bad.
So I did not entirely let go of my anger and hurt, but I didn't feed it or act on it. The same thing has happened a couple more times since. After planning what angry or hurt thing I was going to do or say, I remembered my plan to only say positive things, and I can say that although the anger and hurt don't go away right away, the suffering does go away, and as in the other situation, I still have a relationship.
I am not saying that this is always the way to handle a problem relationship, but this was what I have chosen in this particular situation, with this particular person (I should maybe add that I don't think most of what she has said has been deliberate), and it has worked to lessen my suffering and eventually to allow me to let go of my painful feelings.
It might be that you would choose to hash out a difficult situation with someone, or to let them know your feelings, but you can still choose to not hang on to your anger, to not make it bigger.
This is difficult stuff. It takes time and lots of practice to get the hang of it, and more practice to get it to be a natural response to pain for you. I suggest that you pick one small thing to try, and try it in a simple situation (for example, how you feel when the mail is late, or how you feel when you lose a favorite piece of jewelry or how you feel if you get scared watching a horror movie.
These are skills that are going to make it easier for you to live with the feelings that come up from day to day, and also the long-standing painful feelings that you have.
TRY THESE:
· Observing your emotion. Standing back.
· Experience your emotion as a wave, coming and going.
· Don't push away your emotion. Accept it.
· Don't judge your emotion. It's not good or bad.
· Don't hang on to your emotion.
· Try not to intensify your emotion. Let it be how it is.
· Remember that you are not your emotion.
· Remember that you don't necessarily have to act on your emotion.
· Practice loving your emotions.
Please share with the list an experience you have while practicing some of these skills, if you are comfortable doing that.
Emotion Regulation Homework Sheet 2, Emotion Diary, p. 163.
Fill out this journal for a week or more. In the space where it says "Emotion's function," write how you responded to the emotion you had, keeping in mind the skills above.
Remember that you are a courageous person for doing this work, and that you deserve and will have success and move closer to a happier and more fulfilling life.
EMOTION REGULATION LESSON 6c
(pages 94-94, 161)
We are now going to talk about the last suggested technique for changing painful emotions. This can be a difficult one to understand and to use, but, like all of the techniques we have been learning about, it takes a lot of practice to be able to use it skillfully.
We are talking about Acting Opposite to the Current Emotion. Someone on the list just talked a few days ago about using this technique. The idea behind this technique is that it can help to deal with distressing emotions to set in motion some action. For one thing, doing this counteracts an action that you might take because of the distressing emotion.
For example, if we are angry, there are many actions that we might take to express our angry feelings. But if the action that we take is one that is opposite to the emotion we feel, like walking away from a situation when we are angry, or distracting ourselves with something nice, then we have put our energy into something that is eventually going to make us feel better. So we not only reversed our action (walked away instead of yelling at someone), but we also began to make a change in our angry feelings. We didn't escalate or heighten our feelings, but did something that made the feelings decrease, by putting something positive in their place.
But it's important to know that we are not trying to suppress our emotions. We are using that angry feeling to take a different action. The result of this will be a gradual change in our emotions.
The kinds of situations in which it is appropriate to use this technique are ones in which the emotions might not be realistic to the situation we are in, may be out of proportion, or escalating, or be emotions that we want to challenge or change.
For example, if we are feeling very depressed and low and like no one wants us around and we might as well just stay in bed, a way to act opposite to the emotions is to get ourselves up and do something (go for a walk, go to the grocery store, visit a friend, go to therapy, etc.). We are not denying our emotion, but we are challenging it by acting opposite to it. Instead of staying at home in bed, we are getting up and going out. We may not see big changes, but little by little we will notice changes in the way we feel.
Several years ago, I needed a major amount of dental work done. I had been a dental phobic all my life. I had major panic if I even smelled a smell like a dentists' office. But I really wanted this work done - it was mostly cosmetic work, and my brother had agreed to pay the whole amount, enough, as the dentists said, to buy a new car at the time. I was so scared that I could not sleep for days before my first appointment. But I went. And when they called me to come in to the office, I picked myself up and went in. I was screaming no, I can't, inside, but I did anyway. This process lasted five months. I did not lose my fear right away, but I made myself keep going, and as the time went on, I had less and less fear, and now I think nothing of a trip to the dentist. I had to act opposite to my fear in the beginning, to eventually reach a place where that fear had turned into acceptance.
Can some of you give examples of how you have acted opposite to your current emotion?
Sometimes this is NOT the best thing to do. If you are afraid because you are in an unsafe situation, pay attention to that fear. Do not go into that unsafe situation.
If you are ashamed about something, and that shame really does not belong to you (i.e. it is from your past or from when someone told you you should be ashamed), you might try to do what you feel ashamed about over and over and over (like buying a new dress, or getting medical treatment, or eating a hearty lunch), do these things over and over, until you are desensitized from the shame.
But if you feel shame because you have done something that is contrary to your sense of right or your own ethics, then do your best to repair the situation and to apologize, and then move on. This is not a situation where you would want to act opposite to your emotion, because your emotion fits the situation.
Can you describe a situation in which it was not appropriate to act opposite to your
present emotion?
What do you do when you are:
· angry
· depressed
· sad
· guilty or ashamed
· afraid
· disappointed
What are some opposite actions you could take when you have these emotions?
Turn to page 161, Emotion Regulation Handout 10, "Changing Emotions by Acting Opposite to the Present Emotion."
There are suggestions for dealing with fear, guilt and shame, sadness or depression and anger.
Pick a situation in your life, and use these suggestions to come up with a plan of action. Keep practicing your action, and watch to see what happens with your emotions.
If you are willing, please share with the list something that you have tried, and how it has worked.